Trail Blazers 127, Bobcats 90

Okay, okay, I take it all back what I said a few games ago about not wanting Vince Carter. I would take Vince Carter. Hell, I’d take Jimmy Carter at this point, if I thought it could help. I’d do anything to avoid having to endure another game like last night’s debacle in Portland. Once again without Woods and Prior—I mean, Okafor and May—the Bobcats were blown away by 37 points, their second-worst deficit ever (and that’s saying something; in terms of severity, it’s comparable to DMX’s second worst run-in with the cops ever). For a large portion of the second half we were down by over 40—40!—man, I want to drink my 40’s, not trail by them.

Every Rose Arena has its thorn, and for the Bobcats it was LeMarcus Aldridge, who scored 30 points on 12-19 shooting (and sat most of the 4th). Of course, it’s hard to miss when every other shot is an unopposed alley-oop. I already compared our defense to a bowling alley last night, so where do I go from there? The Maginot Line? Arena football? Saddam Hussein’s lawyers? I’m taking requests. Martell Webster (20 points) also steamrolled over the Bobcats’ crumbling infrastructure early and often, and the only remaining suspense after the first quarter was when commentator Matt Devlin would realize that Webster’s first name wasn’t “Martin.” (answer: with ten minutes to go in the second quarter, but give Matt credit: he then jokingly asked if Martell “was Daniel’s brother,” and it’s that sort of brilliant humor that lets me laugh through my tears.) Meanwhile, Zach Randolph (20 points) picked his teeth with Primoz Brezec and Ryan Hollins, and I think it’s safe to say at this point that Brandon Roy (14 points, 9 assists, 8 rebounds) has the inside track on Adam Morrison for Rookie of the Year.

Then, to put the icing on the turd, we learned that Okafor is headed back to Charlotte to get an MRI on his calf and may be gone 6 weeks?!? What in the world!? I never thought of the calf as a very sophisticated part of the human anatomy. What is it with this team and seemingly innocuous injuries that end up knocking out players for weeks? Sean May has a sore knee and he’s out indefinitely, Brevin Knight pulls his groin and they end up cutting out his stomach…Jesus, at this point, I’ll just be happy if they find out Emeka doesn’t have cancer.

I guess we’ll all be getting a good look at Hollins then. He had 6 points through the first half, but he didn’t get any more after that, and unfortunately his fouls caught up and eventually tied with his scoring. And where was Derek Anderson? With all those young guys on the Blazers, they should have been ripe for some of Anderson’s veteran bamboozling. Instead: 0 points in 7 minutes? It was the worst “DA” performance since Mike Nifong.

Forget it, this hurts too much. I’d rather think about something less depressing right now, like Darfur. I just hope I can contain my excitement until the Bobcats next game on Sunday in Seattle. Will we be able to stay within 40? Will we at least hold the Sonics to under 30 points for one of the quarters? Will Okafor need to have his leg amputated? Tune in to find out…