Final Mock Draft Update

All right, so here’s a final recap of the quote/unquote “action” from the mock draft. With the 8th pick, I ended up taking Al Thornton. Brewer was gone, Yi was gone, N-Sync had a song called “Gone”…basically everyone worthwhile in my opinion was gone by the 8th pick. So I took Thornton, figuring he could play at the 2 (or at least he could play DEFENSE at the 2—if only we could somehow combine Thornton with Adam Morrison, “Voltron”-style, then we could have a complete Super Shooting Guard. Although come to think of it, Morrison wasn’t really all that great on offense either, so never mind.). This would allow G-Dub to focus on the 3 (particularly the part that involves landing on both feet after he dunks, a subtle art that I’m convinced he forgot about last year because he had his mind on too many other things), and Mek at the 4. Assuming we’re going to sign some high-priced talent like Rashard Lewis or Vince Carter (who’s really just high-priced, period) at the 2, Thornton would be an excellent role player off the bench.

As for the center? Well, how does this one grab you: I traded our 22nd pick (and let’s face it: at this point, you’re choosing among guys who have more distinguished criminal experience than college experience) to the Wizards for Brendan Haywood. Haywood’s not only stronger than the incumbent Primoz Brezec, he could probably eat Primoz like a 7’ party sub. Plus he’s a good ol’ UNC boy and comes with built-in hostility for division rival Etan Thomas. Oh yeah, and the Wizards also wanted the old but worthless Othella Harrington for reasons that are totally beyond me—perhaps they need someone to mentor all of the other DNPCD’s on how to properly wear suits on the sidelines. Charlotte doesn’t have any second round picks, and I’m glad about that, because save for the 4 or 5 guys who randomly morph into perennial All-Stars five years later, make everyone feel stupid, and spawn a bunch of “Why did so many teams pass on this guy?” articles, it’s a total crap shoot. So that’s how I handled it, and unless you’ve got a flux capacitor and 1.21 gigawatts of electricity, it is done…

As a somewhat satisfying footnote to all this, Joakim Noah didn’t get selected until 14th, by the mock Suns, who moved up—apparently we’re not the only ones who find him ridiculous/annoying/marginally talented. I’m not sure what it is about Noah (maybe it’s the way he kept screaming, “Keep hatin’ us!” during the Final Four, despite the fact that I don’t know a single hoops fan who didn’t have Florida as the odds-on favorite to win it all), but I’d love to see him take the Brady Quinn Plunge when the actual draft happens.

It’s funny, but as much as I enjoyed making fun of this thing, it’s hard not to get into it. In fact, I actually keep catching myself thinking of Thornton and Haywood as real members of the Bobcats. Even if (or really WHEN) they end up playing for other teams, I’ll always feel some sort of “special bond” with them. This sort of thing has happened before with me. For about three years, my sister dated this guy named Wells, and for whatever the reason, I didn’t know what Wells’ last name was. But the kid’s family happened to be loaded—we went over to dinner at their place in California, and it was like a Columbian drug dealer’s fortress, complete with haciendas and forested seclusion. So because I was too embarrassed to ask anyone what his last name was, I just invented my own by coming up with the “richest” sounding name possible, eventually settling on “Worthington.” And for literally, like, a year, I referred to him as “Wells Worthington.” Inevitably, I did this out loud and my sister was like, “Who? That’s not his last name. It’s…” And the weird thing is I can’t remember what she said it was (I think it was something like “Turner”), because “Worthington” had become so ingrained in my head. Shortly after this they broke up (to my father’s everlasting disappointment, because he’s been shamelessly trying to pimp my sister and I off for years to the wealthiest people he can find), so it was never really an issue, but I’ll probably always think of that family as “The Worthingtons.”

Anyway, I hope everyone’s enjoying the 4 weeks or so of the NBA off-season. This Kobe thing has gotten really bizarre. I still can’t understand why the Lakers were so attached to Andrew Bynum before the playoffs began. It was like a debilitating addiction--like trying to convince a dude with lung cancer and a trach ring to put out the freakin’ cigarettes already. Now they’re just about going to have to move Kobe, which might not be the worst thing in the world but is certainly going to be a PR disaster with the LA fans.