Bobcats 92, Heat 82

A ton of personnel matters to report. First, no Shaquille O’Neal in the lineup for the Heat, because he was attending to family issues. This had to be music to Primoz Brezec’s ears, because last game Shaq manhandled Primoz the way Bob Barker used to handle that skinny microphone on The Price is Right. While I’m thinking about it, has anyone ever noticed that O’Neal looks exactly like a black “Stone Cold” Steve Austin? Perhaps I’m the only one who thinks so, as was the case in the late 80s when I seemed to be the only one who thought Michael Landon looked like a white James Brown, but I swear one could play the other if they ever decided to remake Soul Man (not sure why they would, but after they remade The Hills Have Eyes, who can tell?). Udonis Haslem was also out (attending to groin issues), and James Posey was benched for drinking-while-driving issues—was he at the same club as Warren Moon?

For the Bobcats, Adam Morrison was fined $25 grand for making an obscene gesture during the last game. The report didn’t say why he made the gesture, but I’d like to think it was for protesting the labor conditions of Columbian peasant farmers or some such left-wing cause. My question is how come the reports don’t ever specify what the obscene gesture is? 9 times out of 10 it’s going to be your basic middle finger, but you never know—maybe he was doing it the “slap-the-bicep-with-your-other-hand” way, or perhaps he was making the “jerk off” motion, or maybe even the old “fist-to-the-mouth-while-bulging-your-cheek-with-your-tongue” routine. I had a buddy in college who—I don’t remember how exactly he did it—could use both hands to create a remarkable likeness of a vagina. The point is, don’t these reporters realize that’s the kind of critical information fans need to know? On a positive note, Derek Anderson was back on the scene, crispy and clean. He’s been gone so long I can’t even remember why he was out in the first place, but he played like his usual self (17 points in 13 minutes).

As for the game, the first half was a sloppy affair with lots of back-and-forth action, most of which resulted in missed layups and a horrid 13 turnovers by Miami (en route to 22). The Bobcats were up by 17 until the Heat managed to get a hold of themselves, yet they stilled trailed by 12 at the buzzer. “This is the worst I’ve seen them all year other than Sunday,” commentator Henry Williams noted, impressing us once again with his vast reservoir of stored knowledge. Dwyane Wade (14 points, 4 turnovers) was still shaking off the cobwebs and Jason Williams (8 points, 4 turnovers) was completely disheveled, looking and playing like he’d spent the previous hour with an industrial strength leaf blower aimed at his face. Surprisingly, the only Heat player who looked remotely interested was Antoine Walker (17 points, 9 rebounds), which obviously didn’t do any good for Pat Riley’s halftime motivational speech—you can’t tell your team to play more like the same guy you suspended for getting fat, can you?

The third quarter was more of the same, except the Heat got even worse. Riles looked so mad I thought he was going to spring a cowlick. Instead he benched his starters and threw out Chris Quinn, Earl Barron, and Posey, who didn’t look like he’d sobered up yet. The Heat got as close as 14 in the fourth, but Coach Bickerstaff brought back in Gerald Wallace (24 points on 8/11 shooting, 10 rebounds) to ice it. And Walter Herrmann dropped the "hammerr" yet again, with 20 points and 6 boards (we also got the added bonus of seeing his publicity shot, in which he’s sans headband and in one of those old-school quarterback poses, mid-pass). I don’t think beating the Heat this badly will ever get old for me; it’s like how I feel about the Ramones. 20 years of blowouts over Miami and guys in leather jackets singing, “1-2-3-4” is fine by me; both are timeless entertainment.

PS--
How about Tom Sorensen of the Charlotte Observer? Props to him for throwin’ a little hot sauce on his comments about Coach Bickerstaff’s handling of Kareem Rush. Wrote Sorenson: “(Rush) didn’t commit to team basketball, so Bickerstaff cut him. Rush pledged revenge, and if the Bobcats play an exhibition in the Development League, at Freedom Park or in Prague, Rush undoubtedly will be waiting.” Owww!