Draft Mockery

I’ve got some exciting news! Well, actually, it’s not really all that exciting, nor is it particularly newsworthy, but at least it’s something: I’ve been selected to represent the Cats at the upcoming "SB Nation Mock Draft." Many of the details are still being worked out, such as where, when, how, and—most importantly—why, but a bunch of us bloggers—presumably because we’re all too old to play Dungeons & Dragons with each other—have decided to conduct a mock draft. In case you happen to have a life, a mock draft is when people (by “people,” I mean “guys who should be focusing more on their real-life wives and children, or at least on a job that pays actual money”) war game the draft by picking college players according to their teams’ needs. It will be quite possibly a revealing sneak preview of the strategies used by actual teams in the upcoming draft. It will also be quite possibly the dorkiest thing I’ve ever done.

As you probably know, Charlotte has the 8th and 22nd overall picks. We also have a clever dwarf-warrior sidekick named Thor-Gan with 15 Hit Points and enchanted chain mail armor, so we’re in good shape. According to the rules put forth by “Bullets Forever” blogger/Dungeon Master Mike Prada, trading will be allowed as long as your team doesn’t exceed its cap limits, although I’m not sure if we’re to allowed cast any spells. There were a bunch more rules listed, but I haven’t read them all yet, because a) this isn’t something you can actually “win”, and b) I’m pathetic enough to forget about a) and start getting really into it.

Anyhow, I plan on selecting Charlotte’s picks under the following assumptions:

1. Our two biggest needs are a PG and a true center. Last year, Raymond Felton was great at drive-and-kicks, except he frequently left out the “-and-kicks” part, resulting in a mini mosh-pit under the hoop and a turnover. Brevin Knight, meanwhile, went from leading the league in assists and steals the year before to leading the league in groin pulls. He and Roger Clemens ought to put on a benefit concert that raises Groin Awareness.

The 5 might even be more important, unless you’re comfortable with the thought of another year of an emaciated Primoz Brezec running around like Olive Oil being chased by Brutus, and Ryan Hollins, who's a constant threat to get his head stuck in the basket.

2. We will re-sign Gerald Wallace and Matt Carroll. We will land one high-priced free agent to shore up the 2. We will spin in circles three times clockwise and then three times counterclockwise before we defecate (if we are my dog Lincoln).

Thus, here’s my loose game plan: get Mike Conley at #8 if he’s still available, otherwise take Joaquin Noah. If both of them are gone, Spencer Hawes, maybe? I really don’t know anything about him because I never saw a single U. of Washington game last year. Plus I don’t trust that name: “Spencer”; it doesn’t sound tough and it makes me think of Spenser: For Hire, and the last thing we need is some mercenary-type who gets involved in kooky mysteries every week. At #22, I’m looking for either Acie Law, Javaris Crittenton, Sean Williams, Gabe Pruitt, or DeVon Hardin to be open.

So if anyone has any advice for me, please send in your comments (except if it’s something stupid and obvious like, “try to get Oden or Durant if either is still around”). And if you know of any good ways to raise my Constitution and Charisma levels, send those in too, because I'm getting pretty low on both.