NFL Thoughts, Week 6

“At this point in my career,” the ancient Vinny Testaverde told reporters after this week’s unlikely Panthers victory, “I didn't want to go without seeing my family for as long as I thought I would be away from them. And that was really the reason why I did not come to the Cardinals.”

It’s unclear whether the “family” he was referring to was his wife or his great-grandchildren.

“I'm just glad they believed a guy my age could come in and help them win,” Testaverde said. I’m not entirely convinced the Panthers actually DID think Testaverde would help them win, anymore than conservative Republicans thought Fred Thompson would help them win the 2008 elections when they urged him to run a few weeks ago; both organizations were simply out of options. Jake Delhomme’s bad elbow and poor decision-making were like Rudy Giuliani’s support of abortion and three marriages, and David Carr’s unproven track record and bad back were like Mitt Romney’s Mormonism and opposition to torturing prisoners. Faced with these unappealing options, both the Panthers and the GOP Committee came to a remarkably similar conclusion: let’s throw a really old guy out there who some people remember seeing on TV years ago, let him sleepwalk through the motions, have him frequently refer to his faith and family (preferably by using folksy words like “Mama”), and we can at least keep things from getting embarrassing.

And thus this week’s Cardinals-Panthers game matched up Kurt Warner and Vinny Testaverde, who I believed last squared off in 1984, although nobody remembers that one because they were either standing in line for Cabbage Patch Kid dolls or too busy gushing over the new commercial for Apple II computers. Or they weren’t born yet. The Panthers are turning into a “Spinal Tap” team of sorts, going through quarterbacks like drummers. If Testaverde spontaneously combusts over the bye week, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to see any of it, because I’m here in New York City, watching a surprisingly high number of people engage in two activities I didn’t think anyone at all still did: skateboarding and smoking. In fact, lots of people seem to do both simultaneously. The other thing they do is boo, especially at the sight of the New York Jets. The bubble on head coach Eric Mangini has officially popped, and until further notice the only thing amazing about him should be that he looks remarkably like Paul Simon when he wears a baseball cap in press conferences after losses. Mangini’s fourth-and-one decision to throw at the Philadelphia 4-yard line was utterly inexplicable, as is his decision to keep running Chad Pennington out there. I wouldn’t pick Pennington to win a fight with Def Leppard’s drummer at this point, let alone a football game; his arm is that weak. TV commentator Daryl Johnston criticized Mangini repeatedly for not stretching the team’s offensive formations wider, and I seriously think it was because the coaches can’t rely on Pennington throws to make it even to the sidelines—forget about down the field. And that about says it all for Mangini: when a guy nicknamed “Moose” is questioning your wisdom, it’s probably time to retire the “Man-Genius” title.

Offensive Player of the Week: Adrian Peterson, Vikings. 224 yards on 20 carries, 361 total yards, and 3 touchdowns: Peterson went Bernie Getts on the Bears defense, gunning them all down single-handedly. As long as he keeps doing this, the rest of the Vikings offense can just sit around like subway passengers.

Defensive Player of the Week: Jared Allen, Chiefs. His two-and-a-half sacks in the game actually eclipsed his career total of DUI’s (2), and helped Kansas City to its 3rd win. Plus he had a forced fumble, restoring some luster to the name “Jared,” which has been tarnished in recent years by guys like Jared Leto, Jared Padalecki, and Jared the Subway Guy.