NFL Thoughts, Week 4

"Carolina's a different team without 17 (Jake Delhomme),'' Bucs CB Ronde Barber said after his team's beatdown of the Panthers. "Very different.'' No we’re not, we’re exactly the same: mediocre. We’re 10-10 since the 2005-06 NFC Championship Game, no matter if Delhomme, Chris Weinke, or David Carr is starting. Thus, I hope nobody’s too upset about Carolina’s middling start. It’s nice that Kris Jenkins has spent the last two weeks challenging the team to play better (especially when the only thing he used to challenge was the local Krispy Kreme donut-eating record), but really, were you hoping for?

Look at these linebackers: Thomas Davis, Jon Beason, Nai’il Diggs, and a bunch of Dan Morgan MRI results. The secondary? One guy’s named “Gamble” and another guy’s named “Deke,” so that should tell you all you need to know—it’s like flying a plane piloted by guys named “Turbulence” and “Vomit Bag.” As for the offense, if there were a stat for most number of years expected to be the “breakout year,” Kerry Colbert and Drew Carter would be the career leaders. I saw in the box score that our leading receiver on Sunday was named “Williams” and didn’t even know who they were talking about until I realized it was DeAngelo Williams, the running back. "As a team collectively we have no heart," a distraught Jenkins said after this week’s pathetic loss to the Buccaneers. "We have no energy. We have no drive." We also have no talent, so—again—what did you expect? That this team is 2-2 should be about as surprising as the new 50 Cent album containing songs like, “My Gun Go Off,” “I Get Money,” and “Fully Loaded Clip.”

At least nobody’s complaining about wanting to be traded; that tactic seems to be reserved for NBA guys. I loved disgruntled Phoenix Suns’ forward Shawn Marion’s quote earlier this week: "I'm tired of hearing my name in trades," Marion said by phone from his Chicago home. "I love my fans in Phoenix, but I think it's time for me to move on." So essentially, after claiming how tired he was of hearing his name mentioned in trades by others, Marion decided to mention his name in trades himself.

Meanwhile, new Bobcats head coach Sam Vincent is going borderline Jon Kitna with his predictions of playoff berths. Considering that Vincent’s proclamations can’t simply be dismissed as the wacky ramblings of a born-again lunatic (like you can with Kitna), they’re actually more disturbing. Especially when he tells the Charlotte Observer things like, “I’m a firm believer that I have a style and that I have a system that I believe in.” Huh? ‘I firmly believe that I believe in my system?’ I wish Vincent would get himself to believe in believing that we need another point guard, because I cannot stress enough that Jeff McInnis is NOT the answer. Isn’t Earl Boykins still on the market? I firmly believe that I believe so.

Offensive Player of the Week: Dwayne Bowe, Chiefs. Sure, you could give it to Patrick Crayton of the Cowboys, but putting up big numbers against the Rams is like successfully completing the crossword puzzle in People magazine—anyone can do it.

Defensive Player of the Week: Osi Umenyiora, Giants. Six sacks. Six sacks! That sounds cool when you say it a few times. You can also drag it out sloooowww like the principal in Ferris Buehler’s Day Off did with “niiiiine times.” This is really a pretty astonishing single-game total. The only real downside is that it came at the expense of Eagles’ O-Line rookie Winston Justice, who I want to succeed simply by virtue of his awesome, 1950s-Western-sounding name.