Calaliers 101, Bobcats 81

I have one request when it comes to playing the Cavaliers: ABDJ, which stands for “Anyone But Damon Jones.” Really, I will accept any other form of loss to Cleveland: LeBron James could be awarded thirty free-throws, Anderson Varejao could go for a triple-double, Scott Pollard could tip in the game-winning bucket off his Mohawk—anything, just don’t let Damon Jones stand there and make three’s. So the good news was that Jones didn’t beat us last night. Unfortunately, the rest of the Cavaliers did...

They say basketball is a game of runs. Well, so is diarrhea, and the Cats looked like straight doo-doo in this one. I kind of had a bad feeling about the game going in. With the Cavs coming off a tough loss to Miami the night before, LBJ had gravely declared earlier in the day that he “assumed full responsibility for all that’s happened,” almost like someone had made him sign a confession. So I was prepared for him to bring the pain. The only real hope I had was that LeBron’s injured toe would keep him out (I am not too proud to take all the vulture victories I can get—beggars can’t be choosers), especially after reading reports about titanium plates needing to be stuck in it. But of course Bron-Bron played through the pain anyway, at least as long as he needed to, getting an efficient 18 points and 10 rebounds. By the fourth quarter he was able to rest up on the bench and work on his fingernail-biting game.

And for once, LBJ got some help from his supporting cast, chiefly Drew Gooden and Larry Hughes. I don’t know what’s going on in the back of Gooden’s head (an afro? a ponytail? an afro-tail?), but I sure know what’s happening inside it: the man’s motivated. He was all over the place, had 16 points, 6 rebounds, and got Raymond Felton, Emeka Okafor, and—for good measure—Matt Carroll all in foul trouble.

Hughes was also relevant, for this night at least. I have to admit that I was dead wrong about Larry; I thought the Wizards were crazy to let him go. Then again, I thought Marcus Banks was a great pickup for the Suns, which shows you what I know. Come to think of it, I also agreed with the Miami Dolphins' decision to take Daunte Culpepper instead of Drew Brees. And hell, for the record, I also liked Crystal Pepsi and both Matrix sequels—so basically, I’m either a rebellious iconoclast or a goddamned moron. At least I didn’t follow my instinct to invest in WWE stock…

Bottom line: the Bobcats played like they were representing the University of Ohio rather than Charlotte. Felton had just 10 points and 4 assists, Okafor only put up 8 points and 7 boards, and even G-Dub was pretty pedestrian. Coach Bickerstaff finally threw Melvin Ely back out there, but the only thing he seemed able to remember how to do was travel. Let’s hope this was all because we’re consumed with revenge for tomorrow night’s rematch with Golden State.